Do you believe in life after loss? (Part 4)

Dear Reader,

This is a continuation of the previous 3 posts on “Do you believe in life after loss?” If you have read the previous posts, I would like to expand on the three weeks that I decided to take off work as part of my leave of absence and the events that happened during that time.

A little back story for you. When I was a child growing up mom was very religious. Now I will make this statement, I am not here to push anything on anyone. I merely want to help set the stage for the rest of the post, everyone in my opinion has the right to choose in whatever higher power or not for themselves to believe or not to believe. So as I was saying, Mom was very religious, and her lot in life was to spread the word of God to many people. She would always explain to me things about the Bible, the common stories that I am sure a lot of us on this beautiful planet know about in some form or another. But the key thing I remember from this time in growing up is how “God works in mysterious ways.” This is the key for this post and something Mom said quite often.

I have known for a very long time about who I am, and I am very proud of that. Once I was on my leave of absence from work, what I didn’t realize what I was doing when I did it was reaching out to people and asking for help. Through my experience with the first week or so of this absence after being bed ridden for three days, was the amount of help that available to me, beyond my therapist.

A very dear friend of mine who works with groups of people with grief, decided to stop by and give me a book, a workbook if you will, to help me work through some of the emotions that I was experiencing. I would be fine one min and three minutes later I would be on the phone crying my eyes out and not understanding what was happening to me. The workbook uses stories that are in the Bible and has questions that relate to the stories to be read. I took it upon myself to get a notebook, write out the questions, read the corresponding passage in the Bible, and write out my answer, like I was back in school. There were times I sat and wrote for more than an hour, just from one question. Here’s what I didn’t realize at first, my own words being written were attempting to attack me and keep me in grief. Also around this time of using the book, it had been suggested by my therapist and a few friends that I keep a journal, a place to vent feelings, thoughts or whatever I felt I needed to get out. At first it seemed to go alright, however like the workbook, the journaling seemed to want to circumvent the idea of getting it out and I was re reading the words put out of me and it kept me in a storm in essence. That is what I felt and saw as these events were happening. What I see now is that, anything I could get out was relieving the pressure that was my brain, there was more to be discovered, unbeknownst to me.

Below is the cover of the workbook I was given.

I also reached out to another long time friend, now both of these individuals I had worked with extensively at the company I work for and knew me very well and still do to this day. Upon some talking about what I was experiencing, emotion up the wazoo it seemed. I remember one this friend had asked me to do. While on the phone with him, he said “Phil, do me a favor, go and get your Mother’s Bible and hold it to your chest, allow her energy to connect with you and use that for support.” It was also mentioned in the conversation what a treasure to have such an important artifact from her. Now what I didn’t mention is that Mom gave her bible to a close family member, my aunt to be exact, and my aunt a few years ago gave it to me. Mom was very proud of it, from what I remember. She read it a lot and underlined a lot of versus in it. One day soon I plan to go through the list of those passages and read all the underlined items in it. I have often wondered if there is a message for me in what has been underlined or was it something that Mom needed back in the day. Either way it will be one of those special times to reconnect with something that was valuable to Mom. Now back to my friend, as I was holding Mom’s bible to my chest, he asked me to close my eyes and just open the Bible to a random page and a random chapter and verse. Here’s what I pointed my finger at, a picture from Mom’s Bible and something she had underlined:

I found this very moving for reasons that I had not yet begun to realize what was happening. Time has a way of showing the differences of what was and what is now. What I realize now what these passages meant was that I was in a place where I needed help yet I didn’t realize that I had asked for help, and help was in the process of being delivered. What I found out was that I was powerless, grief has a way of doing that and I was no exception. There is greatness in numbers. Everything I was attempting to do to just live my life was essentially saying, nope! It was time to start facing all that had been presented and then some. That is what I know writing this post and looking back at all the events that have transpired. I am glad they have because now I am able to share that knowledge with the world. I mentioned in a previous post about how there are seven (7) stages of grief and we, as human kind, do not process all stages in the exact same way, nor are they processed in order. For a long while I seemed to be “stuck” in the pain area of grief. I recognize that now.

So what was this? Then I couldn’t answer it. Now I can. I was living in a world behind my thoughts and not being able to see past the end of my nose. With the help of some very close friends and colleagues I work(ed) being there listening and assisting me, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day. I can see now that I was unconscious and unaware of my life during that period of time, and I wasn’t what is called “being present.” Parts of me where “here” or “present” but more times than not the brain wanted that attention to keep churning on stuff. To me it was the idea of becoming aware of life and day by day making that choice to pick my head up and start taking a step forward, even though sometimes it was maybe a half a step, something is better than nothing. If I felt like it was a step back, then there is tomorrow and the process would start all over.

Two final thoughts for this post that I would like to share. One is the power of meditation. It was something that was introduced to me during this process and I turned to it when I would my nerves would “activate.” There were times I would meditate for 2 hours. Sometimes it would put me to sleep, and sleep is a great thing. It helps to process things and put things away properly For meditation, I turned to my Apple Fitness + app. I looked in the catalog and found out there was a meditation section. Here I discovered Christian Howard. I do not know him personally, but I would like to send this out as a Thank You for the work he does. Meditation is a great way to get the mind to settle and recenter oneself. I can remember there was a time when I thought I was floating and looking at the Milky Way Galaxy. I felt serenity and peace, and for a short time normality returned. Part of the experience with Apples’ implementation of meditation uses the Apple Watch and it interfaces with the Apple Fitness + app is that it displays the heart rate on the TV. There were a few times I was concerned over it and I did seek medical attention, had and EKG done. All was fine, it was just my nerves at the end of the day. It was through these two processes, reading books and meditations that ultimately help me the most. I did have a lot of phone calls, but the real work was the reading of books and meditation. For a long while I would sit in the “calm” section, of meditation, working on my breathing techniques anything not to feel that overwhelming sensation that could bring on a panic attack. In the coming post(s) I will begin to share more books with you as all this begins to come together.

The second thought after meditation that I wanted to let you, the reader, know of what helped me was Chamomile Tea and some honey. I found out through some colleges the calming affects of the tea. There were times I used two bags in one cup and ultimately it would put me to sleep. Which is something else that I was starting to lack. With sleep there have been many times the brain would just “turn on” and I would wake up. It made each day long. With the help of the phone calls, meditation, reading books and chamomile tea I can see the pattern now on how I “started to take my life back.” However, there is more to tell.

This dear reader is where I will cut the post and get ready for the next post. Yes there will be a part five to share. What I would like the world to know is this. If you choose to do the work, even though it will take some time, you will over come whatever storm you happen to be in. I can see that now as I type this. I might have said it in another post and that is ok. I am now, what I believe to be, is in a process of being reawakened and to feel present with out much “processing” going on in my head. I would like to thank you again for reading and participating in my story, have times been difficult, absolutely, but that was. It is not what is. As I finish up this post I have to pause here for a moment and look back on everything I have typed and what yet needs to be shared. I can see I am on the path to getting “me” back.

Until next time.