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Dear Reader, 

This next post is a unique post due to the fact that I was starting to write Part 8 in this series, but decided to halt writing it because this is breaking information. Over the last few days some interesting things have happened and I thought I would share. The reason why I would is because it is over the last post, the book in which I mentioned “The Untethered Soul.”

So over this past weekend I have had a lot of company from out of town visiting, which is very heartwarming and greatly appreciated. However, one friend in particular and I had a conversation about this book and it was mentioned that every time her or I read the book there seems to be a different perspective or a message that is received from it. I decided to give the audio book another listen. I figured it was time to again, sure why not. Well I am glad that I did. It hit me yesterday as the audiobook was completing. And what was it that hit me. Well it is a blend of ideals, or things that have happened to me over the span of time. My head did a shake, like a realization or a click happened. Allow me to explain:

In my recent therapy session there’s been a little trouble processing the time around my mother’s surgery from ovarian cancer back in 2005. Now those who know me know that my mother was always there for me, she fought battles for me and of course she had her own challenges in life. However this was a time unfortunately when her physical time on this planet was starting to come to an end. My therapist and I tried once to process this and my defenses kicked in, walls went up almost instantly. The therapist saw this, brought it to light. The next day after session I was in shambles, nerves were going to what seemed a mile a min, tears and stomach wrenches were running me all over, all I could do was cry. The therapist was there via messaging that next day to help me through whatever was going on. In essence she said “now, the body is giving us permission to move forward.” Of course I am no stranger to allowing thoughts and feelings run about, but this was something different. Once the two weeks had passed and it was time for therapy again, it was time to see what would I be allowed to do. I was ok going into session and what I can tell you is things went better than I expected. However during my session my therapist likes to ask me about where I wanna be or thinking about while this is going on. I get 3 choices, on a river bank watching a river flow by, laying on my back in a field watching the clouds go by, or on a train watching the country side go by. (If you have seen previous posts to this series you know I have a love of trains, if not feel free to scroll back and check those posts out). I always choose the train. Why?

Well I have a vision in my head of riding one, Amtrak. A few years ago I decided to utilize it to get myself around the east coast of the United States a little bit. I am not a fan of flying, the last time I few was in March of 2005, it was a return trip from my mother’s surgery, the family had gotten news that all of the cancer couldn’t be gotten and it was then I knew that Mom’s life was now shortened. On the flight back, with having to deal with that information, it was a turbulent flight (nonstop) from Buffalo, NY to Orlando, FL. It’s March, the air is cold up north and warmer down south. The flight was extremely turbulent not to mention I had an inner ear infection. So a trifecta was going on. Found out Mom’s life was shortened, turbulent scary flight back, and I wasn’t feeling good. This area of my life I believe holds a lot of the traumas that I am facing now. However, on the flight I sat next to a family heading south to escape the chilly weather up north. The destination of the family was where I happen to work. I remember sitting int he seat and every time the plane shuttered from turbulence I was gripping the handle of the seat real hard and I guess some would call that “grounding” myself 37000 feet in the air. However, the husband noticed what was happening to me and he asked if I was alright, I told him everything that happened and the events of the week. He looked at me and told me that “you’re going to be alright, you will make it through this.” I see those as comforting words now, being locked on a plane and all I wanted to do was get on the ground. I vowed to myself that day I wouldn’t be flying again. The anxiety of it was jsut to much for me to bear on top of everything that had transpired. The flight arrived AOK and I was more than grateful to be back on the ground. The next day the family that I had been on the flight with took time out of their busy vacation schedule to stop by at work to check on me. Imagine a family that planned time for themselves, wanted to check on me. I see that now as wonderful thing. 

So this has me thinking, with all of the events and therapy sessions I have been going to this path I am on is the correct path for me. Why? Well let’s go back to the vision of me riding on a train before the flight area of this post. I remember the feeling of being on the train so vividly. The train was rolling along through the state of Connecticut, I remember looking out of the window and seeing the beautiful blue water, the coast and sailboats in the water. It was a beautiful sunny day.

As you can see from the image above, the feeling I had flowing through me was that of this is what I wanted to be apart of. A truly overwhelming feeling that was filling me with wonderful love and energy. The best way I can describe this feeling is maybe think about your favorite food that you haven’t had the chance to have in a while. What is that feeling of smelling it being cooked, like an Italian dish or when you are walking and you get a whiff of coffee (if you happened to drink and appreciate coffee) Maybe think about once the dish is done and you get to sit down and eat it. What do you do? Wolf it down cause your starved or getting the last buds ready for when you open your mouth and you finally get to taste those flavors, you close your eyes and just appreciate the mouthgasm that is going on. THAT is the feeling I got when I was on the train. However in therapy something wasn’t connecting, I wasn’t feeling that I jsut “saw” it in my head. Today as I write this I have a different mentality. I think something has shifted in my brain. I am appreciating (for today) what is going on. 

It seems that the more I go through life, the more I am discovering things that have been told aren’t true. Now I will say this is my experience it doesn’t mean it will be that for everyone. “To thine own self be true” Boy that really seems to be true, but one that doesn’t seems to be “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” this is one that I have discovered for me that isn’t true. The small things in my life have added up to some HUGE things. It’s almost like I didn’t know that back with mom’s surgery I needed to grieve the entire process and I didn’t know I need to grieve the trauma and panic I felt on the plane on the way back. There have been many time even getting into an elevator recently “bothered” me. So maybe it is time I “sweat the small stuff.” Maybe it is time to take full appreciation of the wonders that we have in life and not be drawn into things that are upsetting (to the best of one’s ability). I have referenced the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” more than once in my life. Matthew Broderick’s character says in the movie “Life, if you don’t stop and take a look once in a while, you could miss it.” How true is that, like the reference before about one’s favorite food, maybe a beautiful sunset, when those perfect days and or nights are there with the weather and you jsut feel perfectly at peace. When all is well and there’s not a damn thing wrong. This is how the train ride made me feel and what I have been feeling since yesterday. Maybe not “sweat the little things” maybe it is time to appreciate “the little things, instead of sweating them” and I do mean the little things, appreciate them all. 

I have found myself recently messaging and talking to people I haven’t in a while. I have found myself letting people know that in my life I am happy that we are connected and that they as a person they  “MATTER” it could be just a phone call, wacky text message with personal jokes that pick one up and make one laugh. It could be an appreciation of someone just as they are. Thinking back on situations that have come up and I am thinking WAY back to my childhood in life. People have been either met or placed there to assist me through tough times. That is a very heart warming thing for sure. It has happened more times than I can count on my hands and toes. Realizing that at one point I was completely powerless over this situation and that a single phone call that was made started a chain reaction of events along this path that I have been on. Now you tell me for me to come what seems to be full circle seems to be one of the greatest learning lessons thus far in life. Oh how god works in mysterious ways …..

One of the things I have also discovered about myself recently was that part of me needs a lot of reassurance. I know I am not alone in that. The most simplest compliment can go along way. Especially when it is a mutual thing amongst people. I will admit looking back over the span of life, especially with my accomplishments, things that I had set out to do and honestly I had forgotten some of them feels like I am being reassured to invest in me. Seeing that in myself is a wonderful feeling. I have come to discover the “no news is good news” doesn’t work for me. Even at my job where parts of me “know” I know what I am doing, hearing it helps me a long. Lately it has been having to come from my peers and other connections in life rather than the company, but the lesson I have learned here is that “I need to hear it.” What I can tell you is that since yesterday, there feels like a shift and this is very heart warming and encouraging. The simple fact that it seems to have registered tells me, again, this is the correct path for me to be on. Some might call this maturing and some might have another name for it. The realization in my head is that it’s like a sense of being renewed, and I like it. 

In the next post Dear Reader I have another book for you. I decided to listen to this one. I have the physical book but there is something about the way the authors read their own material and the different perspectives and the AH-HA moments that happen.  Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read my story. In reality it should be “easy,” however that’s not always the case. Feel free to share this or any other post with someone who you think might benefit from what life has bestowed me. As I have told others, I can look back and see where I have come from, the darkness, the light and who knows what the future holds. This week seems to be a good sign of the work, time or what have you has and is making a difference.

Until Next Time. 

Dear Reader:

In this post I feel that it is finally time to emerge from some of the grief process that I have been experiencing up to this point. The reason why I say that is this. The next book I decided to read came as a suggestion from a dear friend of mine, that I don’t get to see all that often. However when I started reading this book I felt such a resonation with it. It was almost as if the book was speaking to parts of me that either I hadn’t been in touch with in a while, or a feeling of emergence, per se.

The title of the next book is: The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

As of the writing of this post, I believe I have read the book cover to cover 6 times and for when I am on the go I decided to purchase the audiobook version of it as well. Every time that I read it or listen to it I feel that it speaks to different parts of me. I began highlighting so many parts of the book, I feel as though the words written on the page were sending signals to the deepest reaches of me. I bought the book about 6 months ago, I have made sure to recommend this book to many people, especially if I hear something come from them that could seem like an item is “stuck” or it is difficult to get over.

So allow me to explain why this book is one of the best books to this date that I read and why I feel it is a great thing. It was through reading this book along with my therapist, meditations and everything else I mentioned before that I began to realize more of what my real challenges were. Yes I have lost both of my parents. However loosing my father seemed to trip the trigger on a series of events. Loosing him was the most recent “trauma” if you will. That word “trauma” has come around again and again. The storms of thoughts in my head seemed to be my brain letting my therapist know (and ultimately me) what those traumas were (and still are to this day). Once I began to see what the extent of it, I was in shock I think more than anything. I said to myself, well if this is what all of this is, then it is more than time to take care of it. What I had begun to realize is that, it was all the trauma of my entire life. It seemed that everything from when I was a kid growing up to where I sit today writing this post. As it was explained to me by my therapist, the brain starts with the most recent and works backwards. In fact I am still writing things on a note if I get a mental flash on something and saving it for a therapy session.

One of the first things that began to sink in for me on The Untethered Soul, was the explanation about how we all have that inside voice in our heads and getting it to shut up. However it just starts up again. What I have learned through this experience is that, if something is on the brain the more energy it is given the more of a storm it can create, thus the challenge I was having. There was no way for what was on the brain to be released the pressure of the situation I was in kept winding up and winding up. I have now learned how the body ideally deals with “stored energy” or storm of the head as I have called it. First the brain attempts to get rid of it, and if it can’t it goes to the heart. If the heart can’t get rid it, then it becomes stored. unfortunately for me I was an over saturated sponge. It was about this time last year I was out of work on that three week personal leave of absence. Today I am at work writing this post to you. I can see all of the events of the last year. interesting on what a year can show you, even though it has been a very long year.

The many hours I have spent in tears or emotional upheaval were all part of this process. So the beginning of books started to show me, in simple terminology what was going on with me. The book ideally is a spiritual book. However I don’t personally think one needs to be a spiritual person to understand this book. I am a spiritual person, and I feel this book was sent to me to assist me on my path back to wholeness. Why you might ask? allow me to tell you another story.

After the third time reading the book I happen to be at work, coming off of my lunch break. What happens after one eats, well we all need the bathroom, sure why not. After that I needed to wash my hands, got the soap and did the whole twenty second thing, rinsed them off and as I looked up in the mirror, it was like I saw “me” and said well “hello Phil” there was absolutely nothing in my head. Nothing causing me distress it is like the essence or spirit of “me” was present, fully alert, and comprehending everything that was going on. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful the rest of the evening was for me. I knew I had stumbled onto something great and that I was on the path destined for me. Granted since then there was emotional upheveal and more the body decided it was time for “trauma” or stored energy to go. However I have kept in mind that day in the restroom at work. I saw “me” the peace I felt that day warms my heart even as I type this. I can’t even count how many times I have recommended that book to the people I know. A few of them have gotten back to me to let me know what it did for them. Possibly seeing things in a different light, or realizing whatever the situation was going on there wasn’t anything further they could do, but be themselves, or what’s beyond one person’s control.

Later in the book it is mentioned about another “book” per se entitled:

“Tao de Ching” – it’s a Chinese book about “living in the way” which is the title of the chapter in Michael’s book. So I decided after hearing the chapter of living in “the way” what more was this about. In a nutshell, it is a chapter about living in the center. Don’t live in the extremes. A good example from the chapter was an explanation of someone who is visually impaired. The person needs to use a cane or walking stick and how that cane or walking stick moves from side to side essentially showing the visually impaired person where the “extremes” are and where they should walk, “ in the center.” Now I will admit I am not a person who like to live in the extremes. For a short while I was there attempting to understand a new realm in life. After reading this portion (and later purchasing the audiobook of the Tao de Ching) I began to realize for a lot of my life, I was living in “the way” and I didn’t know there was a term for it. Lately I have been reminding myself even when driving, it isn’t worth going to an extreme. I guess now that I think about it I have often stated that I want my life to be less stress, less drama and less of something that comes out of a bull. This is another one of those live realization dear reader. What a grateful feeling this is!

The reason I brought up about relaxing when driving is we have all been there, when someone decided they are going to get around you or cut you off, and im sure most of us have been there saying things cause it upset us. The next time it happens, stop relax and pay attention to what is going on in the body. YUP, don’t hold on to it. Let it go. I have myself felt my chest clench up, the heart rate rise some. THAT is what isn’t worth it. Relax let it go. Why let it work on you and take things from you. Added stress and tension just isn’t worth it. This is a lot of what I learned from reading this book. There is a lot more I could say, however I think I will allow this post to show more of what the last five to six months have done for me. to be able to sit here and not have anything buzz in my head (yes there are times it does and that is why I am continuing to pursue more EMDR therapy sessions). However the “charge” they have in there has gone down and before they get re energized well I think they need to be processed.

Lately I can say some of the conversations I have had I find myself saying, “well I dont’ remember all of what happened, it seems that the lesson was learned or the charge has been process” It is a good feeling to know that the amount of time and effort one can invest in thyself that there are rewards and a greater feeling in life when all that turmoil calms down. It seems that there are many avenues to help address issues and challenges that all of us at one time or another may face. it is difficult to just “get over it.” It is easier said than done. I have been working with this for a good year and a half and I do not intend to stop. I care alot about myself and many others that I am connected personally in life. Is this work hard? absolutely, there are many times that the pain I have felt is very great. Something else I learned along with journey and that has made me more aware of thing is this. If something was stored with pain, it must be released with pain. The pain can come back in a flash, taking you right back to where you were at the time things happened. How do I know this? I have experienced it personally and have uncovered more things that will be dealt with. The plate seems to be getting washed and dirtied back up with things. However I can see the amount of progress I have made. It is a good feeling, however I know there is more to go. I hope these posts have helped you personally or someone you love or care for. Traumas in life happen all the time. I am not an expert, but I am becoming more aware of how the simplest thing can affect a person.

I would like to thank the many of you who are following my journey. Sharing your thoughts. Posting comments or letting me know how my journey is similar to yours in some ways. I’ll be back soon with another post. This post started in 2023 however I have decided to post it in 2024. Since the initial writing of this post, I have discovered even more things I would like to share with you all. As my therapist has said, “you are on a path to wholeness, this is something the body does naturally.” To know this warms my heart. To begin to feel like a person once again without having shooting pain nerves or headaches. I am not sure if this series of titled posts will continue or a title change will happen. This is just how I am feeling at this moment.

— Until next time Dear Reader —