Dear Reader,
In this next post and continuing to share about my journey from the time my father passed away until this day to write you and share my story with the world, I would like to continue sharing the books that have assisted me along with way. Really looking back on this last almost two years, it started to hit me about a year after he passed that there were things that needed to be taken care of. So let me kick this one right off.
After reading “The Four Agreements” and “the Fifth Agreement” (discussed in my previous post) I would to add a book that goes a little deeper to help someone. It is called. “Getting passed you past” by Francine Shapiro:
I was introduced this book just about 10 years ago when a relationship I was in dissolved and I found myself in a place that I hadn’t been before. Up until recently I thought that was all handled, but I have a feeling in this post there will be a linkage of some events and the connection that came out of nowhere.
So my Uncle suggested this book to me, initially, and I started to read it those about 10 years ago, but I never finished book. I figured I had gotten what I needed at the time out of the book and it was taken care of. I decided to start the book over and I can tell you I have officially read the book cover to cover. What is interesting about this book is that the book covers something of what’s known as E.M.D.R. Therapy. E.M.D.R. Stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. SO if you remember a few posts ago I was mentioning about how if you have personally been involved in a “storm” of the mind, where no matter what you did it just wouldn’t let go. Now I am not sure if that is the brain being the brain, the body being the body. I am not a doctor, but I know from my own experiences there is a relief that can happen and a feeling of “freedom.” This is the reason a few posts ago I was able to tell you about sitting on my iPad and writing and all I could hear was the air condition unit. Meaning, something has been process, something has been put away in my head in a positive manner.
With he help of my therapist, we have decided that I should try E.M.D.R. Therapy. I am 3 almost 4 sessions in. What I can tell you is after my first session, there was a lot of emotion. And a scenario of something that happened with how quickly the events unfolded on a certain day. What was that day you might ask? It was the day that I had to return to my life in Florida, the day I decided I had to leave my Father.
On August 10th, 2021 my father had a massive heart attack. I was called out of work, headed home and packed my things. The very next morning I was starting my drive back to where I was born. Work placed me on a 3 week leave of absence, and once I got there everyday it was to the hospital and where iI could spend some evenings with members of the family. He was on a road to progression, getting better. All the things I was hearing helped me to start to make that decision that it was time to start back and return to life. The very last day I was in the hospital room alone with my father, just sitting there and looking at him. All I could do was hold his hand, thanking him for all he had done. I remember that before I left my home in Florida on this trip I had gotten home, of course the emotion was already over me. My partner was there and all I could do was hold on and start letting all this out. At one point I remember standing in front of the kitchen island with my hands on it and all the sudden I started lowering myself to the floor. I made a statement “Daddy your leaving me soon.” The tears just started to pour like they are now as I write this to you I can feel that emotion and see that day just like it was yesterday. For this current emotion to happen as I write this, to me it needs to happen. No more bottling things in. Feel what needs to be felt.
So what is the relation to all this, well, while I was sitting in that hospital room, spending some quality time with my father, waiting for my uncle to come and pick me. Well my uncle arrived, and I knew it was time to go. I decided unconsciously to take a picture of him laying in the hospital bed, just for a memory for what he would get better, but I also knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. I knew before the trip back to home I wouldn’t get the chance to talk to him again. My uncle said to me “Phil, it time to roll” the tears started welling up faster than I could imagine.
With my recent session in E.M.D.R. Therapy my therapist and I had discovered that at that moment I realized that I wouldn’t see my father alive again, I wasn’t able to say goodbye, I didn’t realize it then, but I realize it now and a session has transpired to help me go back to that moment in time place myself there with my uncle , to help process the memory that had gotten “stuck.” For two years that was in there and I had NO idea that it was stuck. All I knew was that I would have flashbacks to the picture of him laying in the hospital bed and I would start to tremble or I couldn’t’ look at it. There was a disconnect. A connection now seems to be made.
So what I have learned on my journey in life with all these experiences, is that if and when a storm on the mound happens and it is unknown what is cause it it. This process I have started is helping me get passed my past. Not to forget anyone but to process the memories in a positive manner.
So think about this, Dear Reader, if something keeps swirling your mind, bugging you or what not. It could be an unprocessed or negatively captured memory. The next time you decided to meditate to clear your mind, or you feel uneasiness, that could be a sign there is something that you might want to address. It is a personal choice, obviously. When this process started for me I didn’t know what to expect. First it was jsut therapy sessions, me talking about things, and making some connnection. Talking to friends, getting different perspectives. Drinking a lot of chamomile tea just to attempt to stay calm. All these events that I have been sharing with you are 100% accurate and true. My suggestion is that if you want to feel the way you once did, then you have to ask yourself a question.
Am I ready to be free?
It will not be easy, but as one decides to alleviate of the storm, the pain, the suffering or whatever else it is called, but that is a day where you can look at yourself and say, this is where I start getting “ME” back. The saying is true that “life is short” Why not enjoy it. As Ferris Bueller once said “Life, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it” How true that is. The last 2 (ish) years of my life I have felt like I haven’t been here. But today as I write this to you, I am here, present, and the brain isn’t thinking about anything other than I am here and I am on my way.
This Dear Reader is where, yup you guess it, I will cut the post and gear up for post number 7. There are more books and stories to share I am sure. Thank you again for taking the time to read my story. I do hope for someone on this little planet that my experiences can help.
Until Next Time