Do you believe in life after loss? (Part 5)

Dear Reader,

Up until this point there’s been a lot of information on things that have happened in the past and how the processes that I have gone through with how to get my life back after the loss of my father. However if you have read all the posts up until this point, I think you are seeing like I am how much more this has become. A lifetime of loss, lots of pain, lots of suffering, which I know I am not alone. These are events of my life and how I am choosing me, stepping forward everyday that I can. This has not been an easy process and ideally no one can help with you as an individual. Everything is different for everyone. I have had the opportunity to speak with a lot of people and some of the things they have gone through. Clearly things are different for everyone. In this next post I am hoping to show through where I have been to the guy sitting here at work on his iPad and feeling a lot more clarity on things, and being present with just hearing the buildings air conditioning fan blowing and not another sound except me typing. This is how I know I am on my way to wholeness.

So I would like to take you back, again, to my leave of absence that I had to take time off from work as more of this realization that I was destined for the path I was on. Basically I had been off for three weeks, with the help of some close friends, this decision wasn’t an easy one. However it was unavoidable. Where I would like to pick up is when it was time to return to work. I made the call to my manager, and that was it the decision was made. I was feeling like a lot was accomplished, until the day I decided to start back. All was well on the way in, it is when I parked the car, and went to grab my things to begin my day. I stepped out of the car, and my legs locked up and I couldn’t move. Have you ever had that happen? Not fun for sure. Luckily one of my colleagues happened to be just outside of the office building and saw me. He walked over and said to me “Phil, you’re not supposed to be back until next week.” I explained the situation and he could see the welling up in my eyes that something wasn’t right.

What he didn’t know, and neither do you, is that just before I went on leave of absence I had a massive panic attack in that very area. So my last impression of the area brought all those feelings back to me, which explains why I couldn’t’ move my legs. However, the colleague said to me “take my hand and I am here to help you” “We will do this together.” There was no panic attack, but my nerves were running pretty high that day. I am very grateful to this colleague and for his kindness that day getting me back to work. What I later found out is that this colleague had gone through something similar and was able to recognize the signs, very quickly I might add. I will tell you that I did make it through the day. It was extremely challenging, what I remember is that on all my breaks that I took, I had brought my phone and headphones with me and I started on my meditations. Yes even at work they helped me recenter and refocus my energy and bring my breathing and heart rate to an acceptable level for me. I am truly grateful to my employer for all of the assistance that they have allowed me to have. I know some of them will read this and now they will fully understand the processes that I have gone through. I can tell you while this “storm” was happening, it was so difficult to see beyond it. Day by day, phone call by phone call, meditation after meditation, looking back on all of it I can see my efforts bringing more and more clarity to life. keep in mind this post is being written almost a year after these events. They are still very vivid images in my mind, however, they don’t seem to “activate” me as they used to.

I would like to add that since the time I have come back to work, there have been many challenging days. Too many to count, but alas I am still here to share this story. I would also like to explain the bouncing around of the time frames, it’s my brain and me letting this out in the order in which it has decided. There is something about this decision to do this that just resonates with me.

The next area that I have more or less alluded to in a few of these posts that have helped me tremendously is that of something out of a book called, bibliotherapy. That’s right Dear Reader, self help books. It is interesting on how many of these books came to my knowledge. All of the books I am about to share have been recommendations from friends or relatives, and or a n acquaintence of 20 min at a lunch. I don’t believe I will put them all in this post, but that will give me more to add to another post.

The first book I would like to introduce you to that helped me on my path is:

I first discovered this book, it was recommended by a colleague at the time, when there was a period in my life that, well it was after my mother passed away and I was taking on a new job. And that is hitting me as I am writing this, WOW live posting brain connection happening here, and your reading it as I typed it! I knew I was questioning things and wasn’t exactly sure if I was on the right path. However I highly recommend this book. Why? Well as I started reading it, I realized that this book was a confirmation of basically how I have already chosen to live my life. I found solace in the book and when all of the events that I had gone through, I turned to the book again to refresh the brain and remember once again the parts of me that could relate to the book and the Four Agreements. Thank you again to Don Miguel Ruiz for this fascinating book. I am someone who truly believes in “the Four Agreements.”

If you know the works of Don Miguel Ruiz, this next book might not be too much of a surprise to you. It is another one of his books:

I wanted to read it because I read the Four Agreements, but there is something about the Fifth Agreement that took me to a level of thinking I hadn’t experienced before. Actually now I am thinking about it and live writing to the post, Mom was a spiritual person and maybe it is the reason why these books resonate with me so well. However, this is another book that I decided to put under my belt, it was a great refresher for the brain the second time I read it. I also decided to purchase the audiobook versions of both of these books. Sometimes to hear a reader use the emphasis in the words helps one to understand. It seems like while this was going on I was looking for different avenues and perspectives to keep myself “present” and not let my thoughts get the best of me.

This Dear Reader, is where, yup I will conclude Post 5 and will bring more to you in Post number 6. There are more books to share. Allow me to recount now the arsenal of tools in my belt to help get through any given day. Phone calls, meditation, chamomile tea, now some book therapy, yes! This is what I have been doing, and also informing my therapist of all my efforts. Now for the big one of all, sharing with you, people who stop by and read something from someone you don’t know personally, hopefully as I stated before, something written here can maybe help someone who needs it. Anything to get clarity and not feel boxed in or unable to function. Yes it is work, ALOT of it. Thank you again for stopping by and reading my story. It brings me joy to be able to share this with you. Take care of yourself and those around you.

Until next time.