Dear Reader,
This post is a continuation from the previous post “Do you believe in life after loss? (Parts 2 and 1) respectively. This is where I decided to shorten the post and let it sit in my head for a few days to begin work on the next phase of processing things, loss if you will.
What I wasn’t exactly understanding about what was going on with me was the amount of emotion, the build up that I was carrying. I mentioned in the precious post about writing a letter, you know one of those get it out of you and burn, shred, or destroy letters as you send it off to the universe as a way of making an amends. Well for me personally I have never been afraid of showing emotion, but I think this next paragraph will help one understand the level of emotion that had yet to be “let loose.” To continue the story:
What plays in my mind as I type that is a scene from a movie called “The Prince of Tides,” starring Barbra Streisand and Nick Nolte. The scene that plays in my mind is that Barbra’s character plays a therapist and Nick’s character is that of a loving brother whose sister’s life is in peril due to the fact that she tried to commit suicide. Long story made short is that after Nick’s character spilled the beans on “family” stuff (Nick’s family is a proud southern family and family business wasn’t meant to be “told”), he laughed it off and Barbra’s character being the therapist, her intention was to bring it out of him, sensed this needed to happen. Barbra’s character asked Nick’s character how he “felt” after disclosing “family” information. Nicks’ answer was something like “Oh I feel alright, and that’s what I love about the south.” The conversation started to change and Barbra’s char at asked more intense questions. Barbra’s words were something like “that’s a child’s answer Tom” “that little boy is still in a lot of pain” “it takes a strong person to be able to feel the pain” and Nick’s character’s answer was “don’t do this to me.” As Nick’s character stated that he broke down in waves of emotion only to be comforted by Barbra’s character. I can relate that that section of movie so much. Why?
Well there was a time in the recent past, I was driving to work. Now I love music, who doesn’t? But a song from Madonna came on shuffle. It is called “Little Star.” If you happen to be a Madonna fan you might know it. If not, that’s ok but the song is definitely worth a listen. This particular day I heard the song a few times, I felt a very deep set of feelings and emotions way down inside me. I had gotten safely parked at work and listened to the song without the distractions of driving. While listening to the song, there was a part of the song where I saw a younger image of myself in a lot of pain and crying profusely, there was an instant wave of of emotion that shot up from the very depth of me and the next thing I knew I had a 3 foot snot out of my nose and I was all full of tears. That vision was so vivid it wasn’t funny. I now understand what that was about and I fully intend to take care of “Little Phil. My little Star” The younger version of me that is still shrouded in pain, a lot of it has been brought up and this goes beyond just loss. That might be subject for a new line of posts. For now I will leave that there, but it has given me an idea.
The lyrics of the song that caused this were: to quote Madonna
“Never forget who you are, little star. Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky. Never forget how to dream, butterfly. Never forget where you come from, from love”
“May the angels protect you and sadness forget you, little star. There’s no reason to weep, lay your head down to sleep, little star. May goodness surround you, my love I have found you, little star”
I believe Madonna’s intention for the song were for her daughter, Lourdes, who’s birth was shortly before this song was released. However being a fan of Madonna’s since I was about 7 or 8 years of age resonated with me that deeply. I woudl Ike like to take a moment to thank Madonna for this particular song. Interestingly enough that for the last 25 ish years that I have heard the song and it never had that effect on me until this particular day. I guess this was the day the song “registered” or it was meant to be.
There was another recent situation that I was alerted to. This situation was something that I thought I had let go of along time ago. Unfortunately, all of it wasn’t processed. What I do remember about this situation, is that I was on the phone with a very dear friend of mine. The friend knew the situation and how it could be relating to what was the state of my situation. I remember we were just talking and I was feeling what felt like a flame around my heart, like something about about to move, the next thing I remember is that I uttered the words “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” I felt this “shot” per se like what happened with Madonna’s song, but more intense. The next thing I knew, again, I was in tears with a three foot long snot out of my nose and the bellowing from deep with in, it felt like it came from my core. Just before the movement I could feel the anxiety start, but the uttered words changed the outcome. I do know that I went to sleep that night and the next day things seemed better.
Through my workings with my therapist, I have discovered many truths the the actions of what has been happening. The amount of “releasing” that has been needing to happen. The amount of anxiety and fear that have been built up over the years. As small as it may seem back then has sure made some major impacts to life in the recent past. I have a pretty good idea on how deep this runs, but my goal as I also recently uttered some words over a situation that kinda blind sided me and brought up more pain/ hurt/ or what have you was, “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” This statement has been like a coat of armor, it seems that if the “heart” feels attacked or something wants to hurt it, that actions are set into motion with out much work on my end to allow the “attack” to “not hurt me anymore.” I do not know if it me rejecting or just not allowing whatever is trying to “hurt” me get in. I know I am well on my way to recovery. Writing this I was thinking how will this affect me. That shows me I have work to do and I plan to keep on doing it.
This dear reader is where I will cut the post and start processing the next piece of this story/share/ experience. One final piece of information I didn’t touch on in this post were the self help books that I also read to assist me with different ways of thinking or repairing my mindset (that’s coming in the next post). I can honestly say that from where I sit now that I have a greater understanding of what someone with deeper mental illness is going through. I have a feeling that if something didn’t change for me I would not be here to share this information. My story with you. My heart goes out to anyone who has challenges that are difficult to face. The one thing I can say is this .. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Physically yes you might be, but there are many people in the world that face life day to day. Until the passing of my father and a year ish after words is when the heat of it starting bubbling up out of me. I wish this on no one, but I cannot control that portion of life. I can only control what is around me and my action and now I can add my thoughts. As you have read, that is what got away from me. If I did that without realizing it and getting my thoughts back under my control. There were many times I didn’t I would be able to. However, there were moments of “clarity” that made themselves known and the more they happened the more I realized that I am now on the right path.
As you have said, You Are Never Alone. Just the simple act of reaching out to someone maybe all you or they need. Hugs and love dear friend.
You will see more in the next post about how all this kinda ties in. Absolutely. I agree a lot of things that weren’t known, that took place and brought into some awareness. I appreciate the comment as always. There is something fulfilling about sharing this for sure.